Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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