I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
