She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize