Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
