At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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