my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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