I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
