he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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