I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
