You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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