I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
