im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
