I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
