Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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