So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
