I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
