The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Randomize
