Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
