my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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