The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
