I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
