We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize