You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
