The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
