It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
