The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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