ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
