I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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