If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
