Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
