I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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