I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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