That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
