she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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