I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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