whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize