there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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