he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
