honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
