Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
