i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize