we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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