o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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