the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
