So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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