I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm going to jail i love you
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
