I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize