Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
