Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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