Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
