you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
