I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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