im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
