I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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