In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
