I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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