Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
